Many factors contribute to the success of consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. One important factor is congruence between partners regarding the structure of the relationship, as well as congruence between an individual’s needs and behaviors within relationships. While we try to label the different types of non-monogamy (open relationship, swinging, polyamory), there are an infinite number of ways to practice CNM and most relationship structures don’t fit easily under one label. Therefore, choosing a label does little to help people construct a workable relationship agreement. Using this model, clients will explore their own needs and desires individually before negotiating a relationship agreement with others.
This model identifies twenty of the most common discrepancies that occur within CNM and provides a platform for discussions, negotiations, and understanding between partners in relationships. The relationship factors listed in this model are not meant to be exhaustive. It is impossible to identify every problem that can arise in a CNM relationship. The CNM Relationship Congruence Model utilizes an individual questionnaire. Individuals will explore where they fall in the CNM spectrum across twenty dimensions. Using the results, clinicians can then facilitate a series of healthy discussions that will improve relationship congruence as relationship agreements are constructed or adjusted. Nonviolent communication can be an effective tool for the discussions and negotiations between partners. Despite the allowance for a spectrum within answers, the specifics or meanings behind a position on the spectrum will not always be clear. It is important to have conversations that allow clients to explain their positionality. For example, in the question about heterosexual versus same sex partners, clients may need to discuss how gender non-conforming partners play into the equation. Regarding the question about levels of sexual contact, a partner may be comfortable with penetrative sex but prefer that another intimate act be off-limits. Additionally, individuals may feel that their answers should be different for themselves and their partners. Each question is meant to be a starting point for a deeper conversation that addresses any discrepancy. The factors explored in the questionnaire include the following:
- public openness
- level of physical contact
- presence of relationship partners during extracurricular sexual activities
- protection
- reciprocity
- relationship hierarchy
- thoughts on group sex
- transparency with relationship partners
- feelings toward casual sex
- frequency of extracurricular sexual activity
- familiarity of potential partners
- friendship development with new partners
- level of emotional connection
- frequency with specific partners
- romanticism
- nature of partnered extracurricular activities
- sexual orientation
- relationship status of potential partners
- level of kink
- negotiating power
This model can be useful with couples exploring options to open their relationship, people in CNM relationships who are trying to identify problems with congruence, or individuals who are in search of CNM relationships and exploring how their needs might best be met. However, relationship agreements are not meant to be permanent. Partners in a relationship should agree on the frequency with which they will revisit and possibly revise agreements. In the beginning, agreements might be attempted for only a short trial period before they are reassessed. Alongside this model, clinicians should address other common areas of concern in CNM relationships, including effective communication practices, community-building, dealing with jealousy and envy, addressing time & schedules, and coping with societal stigma.
If you wish to utilize the CNM Relationship Congruence Model, please provide the following link to your clients who wish to complete the CNM Relationship Congruence Questionnaire. Your username and password will be required. (Registration will be available soon.)
CNM Relationship Congruence Questionnaire
References
Bairstow, A. (2017) Couples exploring nonmonogamy: Guidelines for Therapists. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(4), 343-353. http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1164782
Kauppi, M. (2020). Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients). Rowman & Littlefield.
Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.
Schechinger, H. A., Sakaluk, J. K., & Moors, A. C. (2018). Harmful and helpful therapy practices with consensually non-monogamous clients: Toward an inclusive framework. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 86(11), 879-891. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000349
Taormino, T. (2008). Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. San Francisco, CA: Cleis Press.